Internet, I’ve discovered why I don’t care so much for jam bands. I was watching Umphreys McGee just a bit ago, and I was really enjoying all the pasty white folks doing their swaying pasty white folk dance (you know the one), when it occurred to me that I had been listening to the same song for at least ten minutes. Except that it sounded nothing like the song that I had begun listening to and in fact could have become three or four different songs but was still the same godforsaken song that it was ten minutes before. And then I began to wonder if the song was ever going to end, or if UM just plays one incredibly long song per show. And then I started to get stressed out. Because don’t they need to take breaks so they can reach up and wipe the sweat from their brows? What if a bee landed on the drummer’s nose? What if they picked a song to play for their one-song set and no one liked it? What if people left before the end of the one and only song? How would they ever know how it ended? WHAT ABOUT CLOSURE?!?

This is why people drink at these festivals: KILL THE BRAIN CELLS, KILL THE STUPID THOUGHTS.